Woody Allen Lines

We revisit a few choice lines of dialogue from Woody Allen films, from his early, funny ones to this year's charmer, Midnight in Paris.

Alien: We enjoy your films, particularly the early, funny ones.
―Stardust Memories (1980)

Carol Lipton (Diane Keaton): You were jealous of Ted.
Larry Lipton (Woody Allen): Ted? You gotta be kidding. Take away his elevator shoes and his fake suntan and his capped teeth and what do you have?
Carol Lipton: You!
―Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

Leonard Zelig (Woody Allen): I’m 12 years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life. But, he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.
―Zelig (1983)

The Queen (Lynn Redgrave): Kiss me quick!
The Fool (Woody Allen): Yes!...where is your quick?
―Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)

Harry Block (Woody Allen): Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
―Deconstructing Harry (1997)

Cecilia (Mia Farrow): I just met a wonderful new man. He’s fictional, but you can’t have everything.
―The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

Esposito (Jacobo Morales): [sings rebel song] Rebels are we! Born to be free! Just like the fish in the sea!
―Bananas (1971)

Luna (Diane Keaton): I wrote a song about the revolution.
Miles Monroe (Woody Allen): There’s not going to be any revolution unless we stop the Aries Project.
Luna: Don’t worry about that. You just relax. Now, listen…[plays guitar and sings] Rebels are we! Born to be free! Just like the fish in the sea!
―Sleeper (1973)

Helen Sinclair (Dianne Wiest):  Oh, this old theater, this church. So replete with memories, so full of ghosts. Mrs. Alving… Uncle Vanya…there’s Cordelia, here's Ophelia. Clytemenstra! Each performance a birth, each curtain...a death. [ Mr. Woofles barks ] Was that a MUTT?!
―Bullets Over Broadway (1994)

[Alvy and Annie are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen]
Alvy Singer’s Therapist (Humphrey Davis): How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall’s Therapist (Veronica Radburn): Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer (Woody Allen): Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall (Diane Keaton): Constantly! I’d say three times a week.
―Annie Hall (1977)

Kevin (Michael Rapaport): I’ve had 16 fights and I won all of them but 12.
―Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

Bob (Alan Alda): Frieda, this pasta doesn’t have any sauce.
Frieda (Trude Klein): It’s Bavarian pasta―it doesn’t need sauce. The Italians need sauce. The Italians were weak!
―Everyone Says I Love You (1996)

Alvy Singer (Woody Allen): Hey, don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love.
―Annie Hall (1977)

Prostitute (Lily Tomlin): The only love that lasts is unrequited love.
―Shadows and Fog (1991)

Allan (Woody Allen): That’s quite a lovely Jackson Pollack, isn’t it?
Museum Girl (Diana Davila): Yes, it is.
Allan: What does it say to you?
Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous, lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
―Play It Again, Sam (1972)

Leopold (José Ferrer): So, you’re an inventor, eh?
Andrew (Woody Allen): Crackpot.
Adrian (Mary Steenburgen): Andrew’s invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell him about that.
Andrew: It’s a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish and, if you prefer―although there’s no point to it―it puts bones in fish.
―A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy (1982)

Jerry Falk (Jason Biggs): She’s so sexy. Look at her body language. All verbs!
―Anything Else (2003)

Gil (Owen Wilson): Five hundred francs for a Matisse? That seems fair! So, can I get six or seven?
―Midnight in Paris (2011)

Louise (Janet Margolin): He is always very depressed. I think that if he’d been a successful criminal, he would have felt better. You know, he never made the Ten Most Wanted list. It’s very unfair voting, it’s who you know.
―Take the Money and Run (1969)

Hobie (Will Farrell): You feel like we don’t communicate anymore?
Susan (Amanda Peet): Of course we communicate. Now can we not talk about it anymore?
―Melinda and Melinda (2004)

Frederick (Max von Sydow): [about television] You see the whole culture. Nazis, deordorant salesman, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers―third-rate con men telling the poor suckers that they speak for Jesus, and to please send money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what people were doing in his name, he would never stop throwing up.
―Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

Sonja (Diane Keaton): Oh, don’t, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris (Woody Allen): Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.
―Love and Death (1975)

Fan: Can I have your autograph?
Sandy Bates (Woody Allen): Oh, jeez.
Fan: Could you just write: “To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch.”
―Stardust Memories (1980)

Rocco (Danny Aiello): I meet nobody from the old neighborhood in years. I finally do, and I gotta kill her.
―Radio Days (1987)

Yale (Michael Murphy): You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean, we’re just people. We’re just human beings, you know? You think you’re God.
Isaac Davis (Woody Allen): I…I gotta model myself after someone.
―Manhattan (1979)